That's where Peter is on the growth chart for weight. Zero percentile. Two weeks ago he was in the 4th percentile. He did gain half a pound over the last two weeks, but clearly it is not enough. I had been supplementing with formula a couple times a day, which amounted to around 4 oz. a day. The pediatrician I saw yesterday, (my doctor is on paternity leave), said he wanted me to limit my nursing time to ten minutes on each breast so he doesn't get too tired and then let him finish getting full on formula. He wants him to eat every 2 1/2 hours this way over the weekend and come back Monday morning to see if Peter is gaining weight. If he is not, then he wants to start looking for other possible causes for Peter's struggle to gain.
Logically, I know that I have done everything I can to breastfeed Peter exclusively. I can see that he is not thriving. That said, I feel like a zero in the mother department. This ordeal has seen my whole family suffer. I do not handle stress very well. I get overwhelmed. I get angry because the house is a total pit (and I am not exaggerating here folks). My time with the other kids is minimal, I send them outside a lot or I cave and let them watch Netflix. Schoolwork is slow (we have only completed 5 weeks of school and I started before Peter was born). Some things I can change. Some things I have little control over. I am praying my way through all of this. Praying for little babies who are sicker than my own. Praying for friends who have much bigger worries than my own. Praying that I become a better mother for my children.
I think I need to take things one day at a time, or maybe one hour at a time. Today, I will take Anna to Little Flowers. If that is all I get done, I will be thankful for that one thing. At this moment, I am thankful for my few minutes of quiet. The baby is asleep and so are the rest of the kids. I think I will go savor my coffee and even though the house is in desperate need of cleaning, knitting is quieter and soothes the soul.