Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Heartache and Remembrance

It is coming. The time when he will have been gone longer than he was with us and I am overcome. It is the most ordinary things that catch me off guard and send me into a mess of tears and longing for my son. I need to order the new schoolbooks for the kids. And then I remember. I am sitting there packing up his books to send back because he will not use them. He had looked at them and was excited to begin second grade. Second grade. Those are the books I need to order for Jack. Jack, who was a baby when Ben looked at those books.

I found this picture among my holy articles one day not long after Ben died. The boy in the picture is definitely much younger than Ben was, but it is how I imagined our Lord greeting him as we said good-bye. Those words at the bottom? Oh my goodness.  I keep this picture where I can gaze at it and ponder my own gift of life. Am I truly appreciative of all that that means? I try, and I fail. And I try again.


  1. You try. That is all God wants.

    Look forward to your reunion in heaven. What joy that will bring!

    (long distance hugs)

  2. Thinking of you and praying for you during the time of the year. The anniversary of his death is just two days after my oldest son's birthday, so I always remember. Like Barbara, also sending you a long distance hug.

  3. These anniversaries, and especially the markers of how long they have been gone, are hard to bear. They bring back so many difficult memories, and wake us up to the pain that we have learned to carry quietly most of the time. Now you are at a significant turn in the road--longer without him, than with him, and I have no trouble imagining how much that hurts. Tears seem to be the only things that help in the moment, and the promises of heaven and reunion are the only thing that help in the long run. Oh, and signs. God has given me some precious signs that have helped me at particularly devastating moments, and perhaps this picture is the same kind of thing for you. A gift from Jesus to let you know exactly how your son was greeted, how he is loved and tended, how great the arms that enfold him. My heart is with you, my sister in Christ and in suffering the loss of a precious child. Thinking of you, praying for you and your precious Ben. Much love and hugs over the miles.