Oh this Lent. I know exactly what God wanted me to work on and I failed. Failed miserably. Was it pregnancy hormones or was it Jesus' adversary who kept poking at me, prodding me, till I could take it no more?
Was it that I really didn't turn to God when the going got tough? Probably. When will I learn where to put my faith and hope?
And yet, there might be hope for me. Last night, during Holy Thursday Mass, I heard a voice, that quiet voice that my heart has been tuning out, say ever so gently, "Won't you come spend an hour with me after the kids are in bed?" "Bring your husband with you that you may spend that hour with me together." So after we got home and put the kids to bed, I sat there thinking about that voice. It was so cold outside. The Church was a 20 minute drive away. Again. My eyelids were already drooping and my body ached with tired from a long day. So I asked my husband, "Do you want to go?" He looked so tired too. But he gave a sigh and got up off the couch. And I did too. And we went to sit with Jesus.
There, in that small room, with all the candles, and the quiet, I felt His Grace renew my resolve and strength to continue this thing that God wants of me. Oh, I am sure that once back in the trenches, I will find it hard, no, impossible some days. But for now, I will dust myself off, stand back up, and try again. There is so much to gain and everything to lose.