I desire to be better. I desire to feel better. I beg God each night to help me be better.
Wanting the best for my family, both physically and spiritually, I yearn for the ability to provide them with food that is not processed beyond recognition. I long for a small farm where we can spend our days working together growing good food and raising a few animals. I dream of a solid, orthodox parish where we can grow in our faith together. These are my dreams. But not everyone in my family shares these dreams. They have their own dreams and goals that do not involve a little land and a lot of elbow grease. How to mesh these differing ideals seems almost impossible and I am left feeling tired and defeated.
So I am trying to appreciate the things I can do for my family where we are right now. I cannot afford a cow share that allows access to nice, fresh milk. I buy organic, but I am not sure how much better it is condsidering that it is ultra-pasteurized. I limit the amount of processed foods that come into our house. Everyone needs an Oreo dunked in ultra-pasteurized milk occasionally. Right?
We used to attend the Saturday evening vigil Mass in Georgia, which lent itself nicely to going to confession on a regular basis. Now we go to Mass on Sundays so that Olivia can play guitar in the teen choir. Confession became sporadic at best. I recently acquired my first Ipod. I discovered the alarm and started setting alarms to remind myself of all the things I seem to forget. Last Saturday, we were actually at our Church for the fall festival when my ipod started chiming. Wondering what I was supposed to be doing, I looked down and sheepishly realized that I had set the alarm for getting to Confession! How pathetic is it that I was at the Church and couldn't remember to go to Confession?
The desire is strong, but I am weak. So I woke up this morning and thanked God for a clean slate and asked for His help to try again to live my vocation as He intends.