It seems everyone has a 2nd grader this year. Everyone but me. Ben would actually be a 4th grader this year. ( I had to stop and count, and that in itself makes my heart break.) I have been feeling his loss tremendously for several weeks now. The tears stream down my cheeks, and the ache in my heart is as raw as those first days without him. I wasn't sure why until this morning. It is all these First Communicants, smiling, glowing, happy. Don't misunderstand, I hold nothing but joy in my heart for all these dear souls receiving Our Lord for the first time. The truth is I sometimes feel cheated. Ben loved God, pure and simple, and he desired deeply to receive Jesus through this beautiful sacrament. Instead, in the hospital, the priest gave me Jesus' body, over the body of my child, and I tried to be brave. Even now, this memory makes me crumble.
I think about "God's will" and what God wants of me. I had been under the impression that God wanted me to learn more about SUDEP to help others, when maybe, He was helping me get ready for another child with seizures. I don't think I am good at discerning what God is calling me to do. But I am listening, Lord.
I needed to put this into words, but I promise to smile tomorrow, for it will be a new day.