Skip to main content

My Cross

It seems everyone has a 2nd grader this year. Everyone but me. Ben would actually be a 4th grader this year. ( I had to stop and count, and that in itself makes my heart break.) I have been feeling his loss tremendously for several weeks now. The tears stream down my cheeks, and the ache in my heart is as raw as those first days without him. I wasn't sure why until this morning. It is all these First Communicants, smiling, glowing, happy. Don't misunderstand, I hold nothing but joy in my heart for all these dear souls receiving Our Lord for the first time. The truth is I sometimes feel cheated. Ben loved God, pure and simple, and he desired deeply to receive Jesus through this beautiful sacrament. Instead, in the hospital, the priest gave me Jesus' body, over the body of my child, and I tried to be brave. Even now, this memory makes me crumble.

I think about "God's will" and what God wants of me. I had been under the impression that God wanted me to learn more about SUDEP to help others, when maybe, He was helping me get ready for another child with seizures. I don't think I am good at discerning what God is calling me to do. But I am listening, Lord.

I needed to put this into words, but I promise to smile tomorrow, for it will be a new day.
Labels:

Comments

  1. Jennifer @ Conversion DiaryApril 29, 2010 at 7:15 PM

    I am so very sorry to hear about what you're going through. Know that you'll be in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hallie @ Moxie WifeApril 29, 2010 at 7:16 PM

    Beautiful, touching post! Thank you! My prayers are with you.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Walking a New Path

 Well now. It has been quite a while, hasn't it?  I have kept silent about my struggles for the past four years, mainly because I was in the midst of something that I never imagined could happen to our family. And it wasn't just my story. It still is not.  A friend once told me I am an external processor, and I suppose she is right. I find that saying things out loud help me find the answer, if there is one. There was no good answer, as it turns out. And so, I am sad to say, that I am now divorced. A single mother, navigating a life I never imagined.  But there are some things that haven't changed. My faith, for one. I know that God is with me on this journey and that He is way smarter and wiser than I could ever be. He has held me close as I wept and grieved the end of my marriage. He held my hand as I packed up what would fit in a moving truck and drove our belongings to a new home. He has led me to new jobs and I can only trust that all will be well if only I cont...
4 comments
Read more

Being Thankful when Life throws you lemons

We are supposed to be camping right now. Two kids are camping, sort of. They are camped out on the couch with fevers. I am trying to stay positive (I am positive I am disappointed!) and count my blessings on this day before Thanksgiving. Thankful: - that my husband braved the grocery store so I could stay home and nurse sick little people. - for Advil, since fevers over 103 scare me. - for beautiful fall colors outside the window. - that we are not trying to care for sick kiddos in a camper far from the comforts of home. - that I got some pretty photos of the kids this weekend - for family and friends - for a roof over our heads, food for our bodies, and clothing for us all - for a God who loves me, even at my worst I pray for quick healing for my kids and all those who are sick on this day. I pray that all of you may have a wonderful Thanksgiving Day tomorrow.
Post a Comment
Read more

The Door Table

Once there was a store in Georgia. It is no more, but how I wish it was. I likened going in there to treasure hunting. One never knew what was going to be in there, and you had to dig through and wade through all the "other people's treasures" to find your own. I once found a set of blue and white teacups and saucers from England. I found lace handkerchiefs, a rocking chair, and an end table. But by far the best find was my kitchen table. I had stopped by one day while the kids were taking horseback lessons and the then little ones were asleep. The store was not open, but I went up to the window to see if anything new was there. And it was there. The table. And six chairs too! We were in need of a bigger table with Jack on the way. My mom had offered to give us her old one, which I was going to accept if I didn't find something I liked better. I didn't want anyone else to even see the table because I knew it was supposed to be ours, but one can never tell abo...
9 comments
Read more